I'm staying put

Well, my curiosity finally got the best of me. Knowing that Saratoga posts their board of ed minutes online, I decided to just confirm my suspicions. They hired someone else last week. Am I bothered? I'd be lying if said I wasn't. I'm most bothered by the fact that I have heard nothing in the almost 2 months since I interviewed. At least Shen eventually sent a letter.

I'm glad I didn't bank on the possibility of the job. Yes, it would have been nice to have a higher salary, have summers off, and if, God-willing, I ended up with a baby, the babysitter would be on the way to work. But at the same time, I would have no sick time, I'd be starting something totally new and dealing with trying to have a healthy pregnancy without going completely insane.

So life as I know it right now is pretty good. I can live with that.

Kid overload - and loved every minute of it

So this week was the annual visit of my brother, sister-in-law, and the three kids. Anna's almost five, never stops talking unless she's eating or sleeping. Jacob's two, and all boy. Such a snuggler, though. Still hasn't gotten over his fear of Libby. And then there's Katie, just turned one, and melts my heart with those cheeks and big blue eyes.

It was an endless week of "Mommy, Jacob hit me!", tired temper tantrums, and peeing on the floor. I watched my sister-in-law take it all in stride, and admired her for how she handled the whole menagerie. I was most jealous because when the kids wanted a hug or snuggle, they ran to her, and I really wanted that feeling for myself. That little head buried in the crook of my neck, those little arms around me, those sloppy kisses on my face.

Each time I see a mother with her child, I always wonder if that will ever be me. Or will God say to me, "Nah, I don't think so - I'd rather you just deal with the screwed-up ones. No kids for you."

I know there are other options if it can't happen naturally. I also know that I should not be getting down on myself so much so early in the game. But the thought keeps lingering in the back of my head - will it ever happen for me?

Vacation's almost over. **Sigh**

So we got home from our vacation in Toronto and Niagara Falls last night. We had a good time once Jay got over his temper tantrum at Dunkin Donuts on Sunday morning. He was very odd, going completely crazy about the fact that they never brought our bagel sandwiches out to us. Then he had the nerve to think that I was the one being overdramatic when I not-so-calmly asked him what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was his problem! Needless to say, it was a long, quiet trip to Canada, coupled with a stomach bug that does not seem to want to go away (sorry for the TMI). As always, he couldn't understand why I was so pissed off because he was over the whole incident before we reached the Thruway. Yeah. OK. And I'm Donald Duck. But enough of that, and more to the trip.

We had a great time - weather was hot, but only rained when we didn't care, Yankee-Blue Jay game was great, complete with lots of runs scored and an almost bench-clearing brawl. The Falls were amazing, as always, and I got the fireworks and bended-knee proposal that I didn't get the first time. While I was there, I was slightly wistful when I saw pregnant women on the street, but then I was breathing a sigh of relief at other times - like when we were at the zoo in the soggy heat and climbing some pretty nasty hills, or when we were at the ballgame, packed in like sardines (there was a woman in front of me who was very pregnant, and so obviously NOT comfortable. I really felt sorry for her). All in all, I felt OK with my not-so-pregnant status, and enjoyed the time I spent exploring Toronto with my husband.

Now I'm home, and have the prospect of going back to work on Monday. Oof. Plus, Andy, Renee and the kids will be in town, so the last place I'll want to be is at work. Oh well. The reports I need to write by Tuesday will definitely help to eat up all the time. It will also be time for us to start trying again. Maybe third time will be the charm...

On to Round 3

Ah yes, she showed. Right on time. Put me in a bit of a funk for the rest of the day. Took some of my frustration out on the gravel we're laying for the patio. Didn't help that as I was flipping through the channels yesterday afternoon, I was seeing women pregnant or giving birth all over the place.

Jay was so adorable. I think he was as disappointed as I was. He kissed my head and let me cry. Then he decided to take me out to dinner instead of staying in, as we'd originally planned.

Why is it bothering me so much this month? It's only the second time. Maybe because I thought we did things right this time. Maybe because I had this epiphany that motherhood could be possible for me; that the fears of being a bad mother finally faded away. That's probably it.

Now I really know that not only do I want a baby, but I can be a good mother as well.

Well, no reason to mope. Off to Toronto and Niagara Falls tomorrow. I was hoping this trip would be like the last one - hanging out in a foreign country, waiting to get home to tell my family the good news. Now, I will look at it as a fun trip with my adorable, loving husband.

Having AF along for the ride wasn't what I had in mind, but I know she won't be tagging along for too much longer.

Bright side - wine with dinner for me!!

Tomorrow is D-Day

Or actually, AF day. I have no clue why I am feeling so negative. I've been in a funk ever since this afternoon.

Very weird incident - in the car with Jay, running errands. I was starving, so we stopped at McDonalds. Usually we go through the drive-thru, thought Jay was going to miss the order spot, so I pointed it out to him. He snapped at me - "We're going inside!" Don't know why, but I started crying. I never cry at things like that. If anything, I get miffed, snap back, and that's that.

Hence, the continuing funk. I don't want to read into this. Moodiness could be related to AF. The only thing that would give me hope at this point is that I don't have that overwhelming exhaustion that usually invades my body the day before. Even with that, I still don't feel hopeful.

On a happier note - off on Sunday to our first real vacation since our honeymoon to Aruba! It may only be Toronto and Niagara Falls, but it's something. I keep wondering if this trip will bring the same good fortune that our last trip there did. If not, at least I'll be able to enjoy one more margarita....

Never wanted nothin' more...

Ah Kenny, not only are you very nice to look for two straight hours, but your songs are really good, too.

Yes, I have had my yearly dosage of Kenny Chesney. He came to SPAC with Sugarland and Pat Green last night. So worth the exorbitant amount of money it cost to see them. Went with a couple of my girlfriends - Jill and Stephanie, because it is very common knowledge that none of our husbands would dare to set foot into a country music concert of any kind without being coerced.

Anyway, Kenny's sex appeal of course started the debate: if given the opportunity, would I...? Oddly enough, I didn't want to. Of course, talking hypotheticals is a lot different than it actually happening. When I was younger, even early in my relationship with Jay, I would have jumped at the chance in a heartbeat. But last night, as I was watching him perform, even before I got into the discussion with the girls, I found myself thinking that I couldn't wait to get home to Jay.

What happened to me? I think it may be that I have reached some level of contentment in my life. To be sappy - "I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not/ But I'm sure happy with what I got" It finally hit me last night, that I'm right where I want to be in my life. I have a good job (pay stinks, but at least I know it's what I want to do), a comfortable home, a dog and cat that provide lots of affection and amusing moments, and most importantly, a husband that loves me and cherishes the life we have together.

So sorry, Kenny. I've found that I really never wanted nothin' more...than a baby.

Pat on the back

I usually have the nightly ritual of sitting on the couch with the laptop, checking email, then going directly to the Nest to see the latest trials and tribulations of those in the throws of trying to conceive (TTC as it's know on the boards). I think back to a month ago, when I feverishly scoured the boards, trying to find someone who was pregnant and endured the same symptoms I was currently feeling. What started out as idle curiosity turned into a raging fever. Silly girl. Silly pathetic girl. It's amazing what getting your hopes completely smashed senseless can do.

I don't think I'm any less hopeful that this 2WW will result in a bunch of rapidly developing cells to be known in the future as our baby. In fact, I find myself wondering at least once a day - is it happening? I feel no symptoms: no cramps, aches or twinges. Did I really ovulate the day I thought, and because we BD on every day except that, that I missed my chance?

But amazingly enough, I don't feel overly worried. If it happens, it happens. I have a plan: nothing this month, then I'll start the fun process of temping. Maybe all those months and years of clockwork AFs didn't really mean I'm as fertile as everyone seems to think I am. So if that's the case, I'll deal with it.

Is this bravado? To some degree, maybe. I think it's my realistic pessimism (thanks Kristi for that lovely term) - it's easier to view a situation as having the most negative outcome as a way to relieve the mind when things turn out more favorably. Works at school, applying it now to baby.

I sure hope I don't have to do this for to long, though.