What was I thinking?

I realized not too long ago that while I wasn't looking, I managed to put on the most weight ever. I am officially gross. Now, this comes long before baby decided to make an appearance. I am fat.

What was I thinking? I may just be one of those "overweight" pregnant women with a little * on her chart (* Watch out for Fatty - she may screw things up if she keeps feeding her face).

I have been good about eating - very good in fact. Little meals, lots of fruits and veggies, can't tell you when I last had dessert (OK, it was Sunday - but I thought I was going to hurl as soon as I put it in my mouth).

So, with whatever I do from now on, I have to once again worry - am I hurting Baby by being a big tub o' lard?

Am I always going to be this neurotic?

I thought the 2ww was bad...

I'm finding it really doesn't compare to the wait between seeing the 2 pink lines and having the doctor say, "Yep. You're pregnant."

As far as I can tell, it's so far, so good. No sign of af cramps or bleeding. Still have sore boobs. Ab muscles are not happy with me when I do a lot of running around at work.

I still worry. Just my nature, I guess. That's why this wait is killing me. I've read enough to know that there isn't too much to check on before 8 weeks, so going to the doctor so that I can pee on a stick there will be kind of pointless. I can do that at home, thank you. But there's just something about hearing it from an "expert" that will help ease the craziness.

Good thing I have a lot going on this week. Work will be crazy, as usual. Daniella's shower is Saturday, and I have lots to do to get ready for that. And there's always scrapbooking - a few hours with those ladies, and all you troubles go down the drain. Fabulous.

So on I trudge...let the wait continue.

Let the games begin!!!!

I am still in shock...It's only been five days since I peed on that stick and immediately saw 2 lines. Two little pink lines that have changed my and Jay's life forever.

Pregnant.

With child.

Knocked up.

Yahoo!!! I think. I'm happy - don't get me wrong. Ecstatic, even. Just seems so unreal. I am so worried. Everything I do affects the little life growing inside of me. Am I making the right choices? Eating the right food? Keeping my stress levels down?

OK. So I'm an eternal worrier. Sue me. I want what's best for my baby. I want him or her to be healthy and strong and intelligent and funny and full of joy for life.

So I will deal with the constant need to pee, the constant desire to sleep, the weird twinges in my abdomen. All for baby. Yeah.

So much to be thankful for

I know it's only Columbus Day, but it's also Canadian Thanksgiving, so that gives me a lovely opportunity to count all of the things I am thankful for this month!

1. Tomorrow, I will be married for 3 years to a wonderful man who really has managed to love me through my good and bitchy times.

2. I have an absolutely adorable dog who is currently snoring on the bed next to me. And a cat who has decided to snuggle today instead of plot new and interesting ways to escape.

3. Today is my day off, the weather is cruddy. Therefore, a perfect excuse to not do the yardwork I should be doing.

4. I have wonderful friends that act as my own personal cheerleaders. You're never truly sure of who your real friends are until you become an emotional mess.

5. I have the opportunity to host a baby shower in 3 weeks for a fantastic friend who will make an amazing mother.

6. On same said weekend, I will be immersed in family and children!

7. I just made reservations to visit my niece for her birthday. Yay for internet reservations!

8. I am now on day 33 with no AF in sight!

Just when I thought I was back to normal...

Wham! An entire day in bed. Normally, I would be happy as a clam to be a complete bum. How much longer will I get to enjoy this? But today, I felt like complete crap. I don't think it's related to my scrapbooking weekend. Actually, I felt better this weekend than I have in a long time. Maybe it's PMS. A really weird, completely out of the ordinary bout of PMS. Not that I mind. I actually feel OK about the prospect of not being pg this month. I was so sick last week when I o'd and I've been on so much medication since that I'd feel really scared I did something to the baby. Granted all the meds I was on are supposed to be OK, but I still can't help but worry. So come on AF - I'm waiting for you!

Ugh.

Well, just when I thought I'd get through September...wham! A stinky cold. Congestion EVERYWHERE. With a cough that sounds like I smoke 10 packs a day. Needless to say, baby-making really hasn't been much of a priority this week. Not that we haven't tried, but I really don't care if it doesn't happen this month. All I want right now is to sleep for a week.

But it's only Tuesday. I have to fight through 3 more days. Is it too early in the year to want a water main break at school?

What's a girl have to do???

That's what I yelled out yesterday morning when I got my third consecutive BFN on the home pregnancy tests. You may be lost, so I will backtrack.

I am usually a 28-day girl. Shows every 29th day at 11am. Has been that way since December (2 months after going off bcp). So, imagine my excitement on the 29th day when AF doesn't show. Yeah!!! I think we did it this time!!!! I was a good girl, though - Jay and I were off to Watertown that day, and decided I wouldn't test until we got home.

It was a crazy weekend inside my head. I really thought that what I was feeling was the real thing - having to pee every 5 minutes, feeling completely exhausted from the moment I got up each morning, weird back pain. As each day passed, and nothing was going on down there, I got more hopeful and excited, but anxious that the next time I went to the bathroom, that would all go down the toilet (excuse the pun).

So, home we raced on Monday afternoon, and into the bathroom I ran, ready to see that precious second line. BAM!!! Denied. Jay was so cute - maybe it's too early to test? OK. I'll try again later. WHACK!!! No way. OK. Maybe my pee wasn't strong enough (oh the things you think about when you're trying to have a baby).

Then came Tuesday morning. Saw the nastiest two words in the English language ~ Not Pregnant.

WHAT DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO??????

Jay, being the adorable, supportive, loving husband that he is, was still positive. Maybe it's still too early. OK, so we'll wait until Friday. That's a full week late - couldn't be any more better time, right?

Well, I woke this morning to my uninvited house guest. FIVE DAYS LATE. Needless to say, I was not the most cheerful person at work today. At least I could pass off some of it on being back to work. And as if things couldn't get worse, AF's been doing dropkicks to my uterus all day. I'm up to 3 Advils every 4 hours, and that's not really helping.

So, I endure the next few days, then Jay and I can enjoy each other's company again. It's still early in the race, so the best I can do is hope.