Here we go...

So actually, I'm technically on cycle #2 of trying for baby #1. Never thought to do a blog until now, so my thoughts during cycle #1 will have to be condensed into a few sentences in this post. Honestly, I can't believe that I have finally reached this stage in my life. For the last 33 years, I haven't had to worry too much about anything other than myself.

Yeah, I always dreamed of getting married, owning a house, having kids. But honestly, as time went on, I really thought I was going to be the "spinster aunt", doting on my nieces and nephews, while sitting at home on Friday nights with a book and beloved dog or cat, or maybe just a book. Then Jay showed up, taking my head and heart completely by surprise, and dreams suddenly moved towards reality.

OK. When to start a family was really Jay's idea. We were pretty content in our newly-married life. However, since buying our home a year ago, he has been the one to bring up the question, "So, when are we going to have a baby? We aren't getting any younger." Ouch. And he's the younger one of us.

I kept pushing him off, mainly because although mentally I was ready, financially, I was freaking out. I handle the bills, and knew that we were just making it with what we made, and adding the baby essentials wasn't going to be possible. We could handle the everyday things - clothes, food, diapers, but DAYCARE would kills us. Was it ever going to happen? I kept hearing the "you're never financially ready for a baby" argument, but geez, I did want to at least be able to pay for daycare!

So how did I finally get to this point, you ask? Well, two things happened in quick succession. The first, which made Jay even more insistent, was the announcement that my very close friend, Daniella, was pregnant. One the first try. Since she and her husband Brian had been married less than a year, Jay thought that to be pretty amazing, and asked, "Why not us?" He had a point. But still....daycare. Always the sticking point.

Then the second thing happened. Devastating in one breath, a miracle in the next. My dear friend Stephanie had owned the scrapbooking store that got me permanently hooked on the hobby. Unfortunately, in May 2007, she decided to close her store. For the last year, she had been bugging me and my friend Jill about having kids, to which we always jokingly replied, "Heck, if you want to watch them for us, we'll have as many as you want." She'd always counter with "Sure, I'd love to!"

The store closing coincided with Daniella's pregnancy, and I started thinking that it was worth a shot to ask. So, I took the plunge and approached Stephanie with the idea of being our babysitter. To my surprise, she called my bluff - she'd do it!!!! I couldn't wait to go home to Jay that night to tell him the amazing news! We had a babysitter we could completely trust with our child - no cookie cutter daycare center for us!

So the next phase of our challenge began. When would we start trying? It was now the end of May 2007. On the advice of my OB, I had been taking prenatal vitamins on and off since October, so I just had to be more consistent in doing that. We figured that by trying over the summer would be a good start - if we were lucky, I'd have the baby towards the end of the school year. Since I had enough time saved, I could be on maternity leave for the rest of the year, start back part-time in the summer, then start with Stephanie in September. Not bad. We'd wait until August!!!!

Yeah, no. My overzealous, over-cautious personality wouldn't quite allow that. Why not start now? It wouldn't hurt, right? No one usually gets pregnant on the first try, and I am 33, so who knows how many good eggs I had left? I waited long enough to have a child - why wait any longer? Jay was OK with that reasoning, so off we went.

Cycle # 1: A lesson in hysteria.

June is not a good month to try to conceive a child when you and your husband both work in education. Especially when your "fertile window" coincides with the last week of the school year. But in my over zealousness, I thought, "Why not? It could be a stress reliever." Unfortunately, for the first time in a long time, I was raring to go, anytime, anywhere (within reason, of course. I still am a modest girl at heart :-}), but Jay was not. But hey, those little swimmers are supposed to last a couple days, right?

So into the two-week-wait (from here on to be known as "TWW") we went. I had never been more obsessed about anything in my life. I was forever visiting pregnancy websites and writing into message boards on the topic. I analyzed and re-analyzed every twinge, ache, and bout of indigestion. I was so into it, that I tested a week early, not realizing that it was a week early. I know now that even if I was pregnant, pregnancy tests aren't going to be positive, because the hormone levels aren't high enough to trigger the test. Silly girl.

I was so convinced that I could be pregnant that first month - I had crazy indigestion for goodness sakes! Something that never happens. But much to my chagrin, dear Aunt Flow (humbly known from now on as AF) joined us right on time. It was a wake-up call of sorts: hysteria and obsession does not a baby make.

Cycle #2: Return to sanity

So here we are to today. I am entering my TWW for the second time, with no real expectations. Am I hopeful? Of course. I would like nothing better than to start feeling the wonders of pregnancy, good or bad. But I know that I cannot be in charge of such things, only make the situation optimal for the possibility. Wish me luck!