Pat on the back

I usually have the nightly ritual of sitting on the couch with the laptop, checking email, then going directly to the Nest to see the latest trials and tribulations of those in the throws of trying to conceive (TTC as it's know on the boards). I think back to a month ago, when I feverishly scoured the boards, trying to find someone who was pregnant and endured the same symptoms I was currently feeling. What started out as idle curiosity turned into a raging fever. Silly girl. Silly pathetic girl. It's amazing what getting your hopes completely smashed senseless can do.

I don't think I'm any less hopeful that this 2WW will result in a bunch of rapidly developing cells to be known in the future as our baby. In fact, I find myself wondering at least once a day - is it happening? I feel no symptoms: no cramps, aches or twinges. Did I really ovulate the day I thought, and because we BD on every day except that, that I missed my chance?

But amazingly enough, I don't feel overly worried. If it happens, it happens. I have a plan: nothing this month, then I'll start the fun process of temping. Maybe all those months and years of clockwork AFs didn't really mean I'm as fertile as everyone seems to think I am. So if that's the case, I'll deal with it.

Is this bravado? To some degree, maybe. I think it's my realistic pessimism (thanks Kristi for that lovely term) - it's easier to view a situation as having the most negative outcome as a way to relieve the mind when things turn out more favorably. Works at school, applying it now to baby.

I sure hope I don't have to do this for to long, though.