Yep - it's in there and other exciting stuff

Oh, what a week it's been. First, and most importantly, I am having a baby. I know, I've known it for a while. I peed on the stick and everything. But on Thursday, I actually saw our baby. All inch and a quarter of him or her. The ultrasound showed a head, 4 stubs for arms and legs, and a heart that was beating like crazy! 188 bpm, to be exact. The tech said it will slow down a little over the next couple of weeks. Who cares??? There's a baby in there!

On to the other exciting stuff - I am starting a new job in 3 weeks. Not anything that was planned. Actually, I was starting to think that I'd be stuck in Watervliet forever. But this wonderful job opportunity fell into my lap (2 days before finding out I was pregnant, to be exact) and now I will be making a leap to the big time! I am nervous, and excited, and happy, and scared, and whatever competing feelings are out there.

Now, if only I could breathe through my nose. That would be lovely. Second trimester is only 3 weeks away. Here's for hoping!

So tired. Must. Sleep. Now.

I never thought I could ever be this tired. I don't know how I am typing this right now. It's just past 8pm, and I feel like I haven't slept in days.

I think this is going to be a short entry. I hope this baby knows what I'm going through to make sure he or she comes out healthy and perky and beautiful. Good thing I already love this kid.

Hello, I'm Wendy, and I'm a worrier

Sad, but true fact. With the possibility of motherhood has come the intense feelings of worry. Have I screwed things up? Have I been eating too many bad things? Is everything down there going OK?

Had my first appointment today. I love my doctor. She has a way of putting things in perspective and making me feel at ease about everything. She heard me when I said that I wasn't sure if I was pregnant.

Why? she asked.
Because I don't really feel anything, I said.
Are your boobs sore?
Yes.
Are you tired?
Yes.
Have you had your period?
No.
Then it sounds like you're pregnant to me!

Yes, I guess that's why she gets paid the big bucks. However, I'm guessing she sensed that I wasn't completely believing her, so when she did my internal today, she said with great emphasis...

Oh yes, you are definitely pregnant!

However, she did not do an ultrasound. That's not until next week. So I wait. And I worry. Guess it wasn't the best time to watch Brothers & Sisters. Thankfully, Jill warned me that it was coming, but still - the seed is still sitting, quivering in the back of my head.

At least I will have four days of running after the munchkins to help me keep my mind off. Then I have to worry about resigning from my job so I can start my new one.

And, oh yeah. I'm pregnant!

What was I thinking?

I realized not too long ago that while I wasn't looking, I managed to put on the most weight ever. I am officially gross. Now, this comes long before baby decided to make an appearance. I am fat.

What was I thinking? I may just be one of those "overweight" pregnant women with a little * on her chart (* Watch out for Fatty - she may screw things up if she keeps feeding her face).

I have been good about eating - very good in fact. Little meals, lots of fruits and veggies, can't tell you when I last had dessert (OK, it was Sunday - but I thought I was going to hurl as soon as I put it in my mouth).

So, with whatever I do from now on, I have to once again worry - am I hurting Baby by being a big tub o' lard?

Am I always going to be this neurotic?

I thought the 2ww was bad...

I'm finding it really doesn't compare to the wait between seeing the 2 pink lines and having the doctor say, "Yep. You're pregnant."

As far as I can tell, it's so far, so good. No sign of af cramps or bleeding. Still have sore boobs. Ab muscles are not happy with me when I do a lot of running around at work.

I still worry. Just my nature, I guess. That's why this wait is killing me. I've read enough to know that there isn't too much to check on before 8 weeks, so going to the doctor so that I can pee on a stick there will be kind of pointless. I can do that at home, thank you. But there's just something about hearing it from an "expert" that will help ease the craziness.

Good thing I have a lot going on this week. Work will be crazy, as usual. Daniella's shower is Saturday, and I have lots to do to get ready for that. And there's always scrapbooking - a few hours with those ladies, and all you troubles go down the drain. Fabulous.

So on I trudge...let the wait continue.

Let the games begin!!!!

I am still in shock...It's only been five days since I peed on that stick and immediately saw 2 lines. Two little pink lines that have changed my and Jay's life forever.

Pregnant.

With child.

Knocked up.

Yahoo!!! I think. I'm happy - don't get me wrong. Ecstatic, even. Just seems so unreal. I am so worried. Everything I do affects the little life growing inside of me. Am I making the right choices? Eating the right food? Keeping my stress levels down?

OK. So I'm an eternal worrier. Sue me. I want what's best for my baby. I want him or her to be healthy and strong and intelligent and funny and full of joy for life.

So I will deal with the constant need to pee, the constant desire to sleep, the weird twinges in my abdomen. All for baby. Yeah.

So much to be thankful for

I know it's only Columbus Day, but it's also Canadian Thanksgiving, so that gives me a lovely opportunity to count all of the things I am thankful for this month!

1. Tomorrow, I will be married for 3 years to a wonderful man who really has managed to love me through my good and bitchy times.

2. I have an absolutely adorable dog who is currently snoring on the bed next to me. And a cat who has decided to snuggle today instead of plot new and interesting ways to escape.

3. Today is my day off, the weather is cruddy. Therefore, a perfect excuse to not do the yardwork I should be doing.

4. I have wonderful friends that act as my own personal cheerleaders. You're never truly sure of who your real friends are until you become an emotional mess.

5. I have the opportunity to host a baby shower in 3 weeks for a fantastic friend who will make an amazing mother.

6. On same said weekend, I will be immersed in family and children!

7. I just made reservations to visit my niece for her birthday. Yay for internet reservations!

8. I am now on day 33 with no AF in sight!

Just when I thought I was back to normal...

Wham! An entire day in bed. Normally, I would be happy as a clam to be a complete bum. How much longer will I get to enjoy this? But today, I felt like complete crap. I don't think it's related to my scrapbooking weekend. Actually, I felt better this weekend than I have in a long time. Maybe it's PMS. A really weird, completely out of the ordinary bout of PMS. Not that I mind. I actually feel OK about the prospect of not being pg this month. I was so sick last week when I o'd and I've been on so much medication since that I'd feel really scared I did something to the baby. Granted all the meds I was on are supposed to be OK, but I still can't help but worry. So come on AF - I'm waiting for you!

Ugh.

Well, just when I thought I'd get through September...wham! A stinky cold. Congestion EVERYWHERE. With a cough that sounds like I smoke 10 packs a day. Needless to say, baby-making really hasn't been much of a priority this week. Not that we haven't tried, but I really don't care if it doesn't happen this month. All I want right now is to sleep for a week.

But it's only Tuesday. I have to fight through 3 more days. Is it too early in the year to want a water main break at school?

What's a girl have to do???

That's what I yelled out yesterday morning when I got my third consecutive BFN on the home pregnancy tests. You may be lost, so I will backtrack.

I am usually a 28-day girl. Shows every 29th day at 11am. Has been that way since December (2 months after going off bcp). So, imagine my excitement on the 29th day when AF doesn't show. Yeah!!! I think we did it this time!!!! I was a good girl, though - Jay and I were off to Watertown that day, and decided I wouldn't test until we got home.

It was a crazy weekend inside my head. I really thought that what I was feeling was the real thing - having to pee every 5 minutes, feeling completely exhausted from the moment I got up each morning, weird back pain. As each day passed, and nothing was going on down there, I got more hopeful and excited, but anxious that the next time I went to the bathroom, that would all go down the toilet (excuse the pun).

So, home we raced on Monday afternoon, and into the bathroom I ran, ready to see that precious second line. BAM!!! Denied. Jay was so cute - maybe it's too early to test? OK. I'll try again later. WHACK!!! No way. OK. Maybe my pee wasn't strong enough (oh the things you think about when you're trying to have a baby).

Then came Tuesday morning. Saw the nastiest two words in the English language ~ Not Pregnant.

WHAT DOES A GIRL HAVE TO DO??????

Jay, being the adorable, supportive, loving husband that he is, was still positive. Maybe it's still too early. OK, so we'll wait until Friday. That's a full week late - couldn't be any more better time, right?

Well, I woke this morning to my uninvited house guest. FIVE DAYS LATE. Needless to say, I was not the most cheerful person at work today. At least I could pass off some of it on being back to work. And as if things couldn't get worse, AF's been doing dropkicks to my uterus all day. I'm up to 3 Advils every 4 hours, and that's not really helping.

So, I endure the next few days, then Jay and I can enjoy each other's company again. It's still early in the race, so the best I can do is hope.

I'm staying put

Well, my curiosity finally got the best of me. Knowing that Saratoga posts their board of ed minutes online, I decided to just confirm my suspicions. They hired someone else last week. Am I bothered? I'd be lying if said I wasn't. I'm most bothered by the fact that I have heard nothing in the almost 2 months since I interviewed. At least Shen eventually sent a letter.

I'm glad I didn't bank on the possibility of the job. Yes, it would have been nice to have a higher salary, have summers off, and if, God-willing, I ended up with a baby, the babysitter would be on the way to work. But at the same time, I would have no sick time, I'd be starting something totally new and dealing with trying to have a healthy pregnancy without going completely insane.

So life as I know it right now is pretty good. I can live with that.

Kid overload - and loved every minute of it

So this week was the annual visit of my brother, sister-in-law, and the three kids. Anna's almost five, never stops talking unless she's eating or sleeping. Jacob's two, and all boy. Such a snuggler, though. Still hasn't gotten over his fear of Libby. And then there's Katie, just turned one, and melts my heart with those cheeks and big blue eyes.

It was an endless week of "Mommy, Jacob hit me!", tired temper tantrums, and peeing on the floor. I watched my sister-in-law take it all in stride, and admired her for how she handled the whole menagerie. I was most jealous because when the kids wanted a hug or snuggle, they ran to her, and I really wanted that feeling for myself. That little head buried in the crook of my neck, those little arms around me, those sloppy kisses on my face.

Each time I see a mother with her child, I always wonder if that will ever be me. Or will God say to me, "Nah, I don't think so - I'd rather you just deal with the screwed-up ones. No kids for you."

I know there are other options if it can't happen naturally. I also know that I should not be getting down on myself so much so early in the game. But the thought keeps lingering in the back of my head - will it ever happen for me?

Vacation's almost over. **Sigh**

So we got home from our vacation in Toronto and Niagara Falls last night. We had a good time once Jay got over his temper tantrum at Dunkin Donuts on Sunday morning. He was very odd, going completely crazy about the fact that they never brought our bagel sandwiches out to us. Then he had the nerve to think that I was the one being overdramatic when I not-so-calmly asked him what the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was his problem! Needless to say, it was a long, quiet trip to Canada, coupled with a stomach bug that does not seem to want to go away (sorry for the TMI). As always, he couldn't understand why I was so pissed off because he was over the whole incident before we reached the Thruway. Yeah. OK. And I'm Donald Duck. But enough of that, and more to the trip.

We had a great time - weather was hot, but only rained when we didn't care, Yankee-Blue Jay game was great, complete with lots of runs scored and an almost bench-clearing brawl. The Falls were amazing, as always, and I got the fireworks and bended-knee proposal that I didn't get the first time. While I was there, I was slightly wistful when I saw pregnant women on the street, but then I was breathing a sigh of relief at other times - like when we were at the zoo in the soggy heat and climbing some pretty nasty hills, or when we were at the ballgame, packed in like sardines (there was a woman in front of me who was very pregnant, and so obviously NOT comfortable. I really felt sorry for her). All in all, I felt OK with my not-so-pregnant status, and enjoyed the time I spent exploring Toronto with my husband.

Now I'm home, and have the prospect of going back to work on Monday. Oof. Plus, Andy, Renee and the kids will be in town, so the last place I'll want to be is at work. Oh well. The reports I need to write by Tuesday will definitely help to eat up all the time. It will also be time for us to start trying again. Maybe third time will be the charm...

On to Round 3

Ah yes, she showed. Right on time. Put me in a bit of a funk for the rest of the day. Took some of my frustration out on the gravel we're laying for the patio. Didn't help that as I was flipping through the channels yesterday afternoon, I was seeing women pregnant or giving birth all over the place.

Jay was so adorable. I think he was as disappointed as I was. He kissed my head and let me cry. Then he decided to take me out to dinner instead of staying in, as we'd originally planned.

Why is it bothering me so much this month? It's only the second time. Maybe because I thought we did things right this time. Maybe because I had this epiphany that motherhood could be possible for me; that the fears of being a bad mother finally faded away. That's probably it.

Now I really know that not only do I want a baby, but I can be a good mother as well.

Well, no reason to mope. Off to Toronto and Niagara Falls tomorrow. I was hoping this trip would be like the last one - hanging out in a foreign country, waiting to get home to tell my family the good news. Now, I will look at it as a fun trip with my adorable, loving husband.

Having AF along for the ride wasn't what I had in mind, but I know she won't be tagging along for too much longer.

Bright side - wine with dinner for me!!

Tomorrow is D-Day

Or actually, AF day. I have no clue why I am feeling so negative. I've been in a funk ever since this afternoon.

Very weird incident - in the car with Jay, running errands. I was starving, so we stopped at McDonalds. Usually we go through the drive-thru, thought Jay was going to miss the order spot, so I pointed it out to him. He snapped at me - "We're going inside!" Don't know why, but I started crying. I never cry at things like that. If anything, I get miffed, snap back, and that's that.

Hence, the continuing funk. I don't want to read into this. Moodiness could be related to AF. The only thing that would give me hope at this point is that I don't have that overwhelming exhaustion that usually invades my body the day before. Even with that, I still don't feel hopeful.

On a happier note - off on Sunday to our first real vacation since our honeymoon to Aruba! It may only be Toronto and Niagara Falls, but it's something. I keep wondering if this trip will bring the same good fortune that our last trip there did. If not, at least I'll be able to enjoy one more margarita....

Never wanted nothin' more...

Ah Kenny, not only are you very nice to look for two straight hours, but your songs are really good, too.

Yes, I have had my yearly dosage of Kenny Chesney. He came to SPAC with Sugarland and Pat Green last night. So worth the exorbitant amount of money it cost to see them. Went with a couple of my girlfriends - Jill and Stephanie, because it is very common knowledge that none of our husbands would dare to set foot into a country music concert of any kind without being coerced.

Anyway, Kenny's sex appeal of course started the debate: if given the opportunity, would I...? Oddly enough, I didn't want to. Of course, talking hypotheticals is a lot different than it actually happening. When I was younger, even early in my relationship with Jay, I would have jumped at the chance in a heartbeat. But last night, as I was watching him perform, even before I got into the discussion with the girls, I found myself thinking that I couldn't wait to get home to Jay.

What happened to me? I think it may be that I have reached some level of contentment in my life. To be sappy - "I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not/ But I'm sure happy with what I got" It finally hit me last night, that I'm right where I want to be in my life. I have a good job (pay stinks, but at least I know it's what I want to do), a comfortable home, a dog and cat that provide lots of affection and amusing moments, and most importantly, a husband that loves me and cherishes the life we have together.

So sorry, Kenny. I've found that I really never wanted nothin' more...than a baby.

Pat on the back

I usually have the nightly ritual of sitting on the couch with the laptop, checking email, then going directly to the Nest to see the latest trials and tribulations of those in the throws of trying to conceive (TTC as it's know on the boards). I think back to a month ago, when I feverishly scoured the boards, trying to find someone who was pregnant and endured the same symptoms I was currently feeling. What started out as idle curiosity turned into a raging fever. Silly girl. Silly pathetic girl. It's amazing what getting your hopes completely smashed senseless can do.

I don't think I'm any less hopeful that this 2WW will result in a bunch of rapidly developing cells to be known in the future as our baby. In fact, I find myself wondering at least once a day - is it happening? I feel no symptoms: no cramps, aches or twinges. Did I really ovulate the day I thought, and because we BD on every day except that, that I missed my chance?

But amazingly enough, I don't feel overly worried. If it happens, it happens. I have a plan: nothing this month, then I'll start the fun process of temping. Maybe all those months and years of clockwork AFs didn't really mean I'm as fertile as everyone seems to think I am. So if that's the case, I'll deal with it.

Is this bravado? To some degree, maybe. I think it's my realistic pessimism (thanks Kristi for that lovely term) - it's easier to view a situation as having the most negative outcome as a way to relieve the mind when things turn out more favorably. Works at school, applying it now to baby.

I sure hope I don't have to do this for to long, though.

Here we go...

So actually, I'm technically on cycle #2 of trying for baby #1. Never thought to do a blog until now, so my thoughts during cycle #1 will have to be condensed into a few sentences in this post. Honestly, I can't believe that I have finally reached this stage in my life. For the last 33 years, I haven't had to worry too much about anything other than myself.

Yeah, I always dreamed of getting married, owning a house, having kids. But honestly, as time went on, I really thought I was going to be the "spinster aunt", doting on my nieces and nephews, while sitting at home on Friday nights with a book and beloved dog or cat, or maybe just a book. Then Jay showed up, taking my head and heart completely by surprise, and dreams suddenly moved towards reality.

OK. When to start a family was really Jay's idea. We were pretty content in our newly-married life. However, since buying our home a year ago, he has been the one to bring up the question, "So, when are we going to have a baby? We aren't getting any younger." Ouch. And he's the younger one of us.

I kept pushing him off, mainly because although mentally I was ready, financially, I was freaking out. I handle the bills, and knew that we were just making it with what we made, and adding the baby essentials wasn't going to be possible. We could handle the everyday things - clothes, food, diapers, but DAYCARE would kills us. Was it ever going to happen? I kept hearing the "you're never financially ready for a baby" argument, but geez, I did want to at least be able to pay for daycare!

So how did I finally get to this point, you ask? Well, two things happened in quick succession. The first, which made Jay even more insistent, was the announcement that my very close friend, Daniella, was pregnant. One the first try. Since she and her husband Brian had been married less than a year, Jay thought that to be pretty amazing, and asked, "Why not us?" He had a point. But still....daycare. Always the sticking point.

Then the second thing happened. Devastating in one breath, a miracle in the next. My dear friend Stephanie had owned the scrapbooking store that got me permanently hooked on the hobby. Unfortunately, in May 2007, she decided to close her store. For the last year, she had been bugging me and my friend Jill about having kids, to which we always jokingly replied, "Heck, if you want to watch them for us, we'll have as many as you want." She'd always counter with "Sure, I'd love to!"

The store closing coincided with Daniella's pregnancy, and I started thinking that it was worth a shot to ask. So, I took the plunge and approached Stephanie with the idea of being our babysitter. To my surprise, she called my bluff - she'd do it!!!! I couldn't wait to go home to Jay that night to tell him the amazing news! We had a babysitter we could completely trust with our child - no cookie cutter daycare center for us!

So the next phase of our challenge began. When would we start trying? It was now the end of May 2007. On the advice of my OB, I had been taking prenatal vitamins on and off since October, so I just had to be more consistent in doing that. We figured that by trying over the summer would be a good start - if we were lucky, I'd have the baby towards the end of the school year. Since I had enough time saved, I could be on maternity leave for the rest of the year, start back part-time in the summer, then start with Stephanie in September. Not bad. We'd wait until August!!!!

Yeah, no. My overzealous, over-cautious personality wouldn't quite allow that. Why not start now? It wouldn't hurt, right? No one usually gets pregnant on the first try, and I am 33, so who knows how many good eggs I had left? I waited long enough to have a child - why wait any longer? Jay was OK with that reasoning, so off we went.

Cycle # 1: A lesson in hysteria.

June is not a good month to try to conceive a child when you and your husband both work in education. Especially when your "fertile window" coincides with the last week of the school year. But in my over zealousness, I thought, "Why not? It could be a stress reliever." Unfortunately, for the first time in a long time, I was raring to go, anytime, anywhere (within reason, of course. I still am a modest girl at heart :-}), but Jay was not. But hey, those little swimmers are supposed to last a couple days, right?

So into the two-week-wait (from here on to be known as "TWW") we went. I had never been more obsessed about anything in my life. I was forever visiting pregnancy websites and writing into message boards on the topic. I analyzed and re-analyzed every twinge, ache, and bout of indigestion. I was so into it, that I tested a week early, not realizing that it was a week early. I know now that even if I was pregnant, pregnancy tests aren't going to be positive, because the hormone levels aren't high enough to trigger the test. Silly girl.

I was so convinced that I could be pregnant that first month - I had crazy indigestion for goodness sakes! Something that never happens. But much to my chagrin, dear Aunt Flow (humbly known from now on as AF) joined us right on time. It was a wake-up call of sorts: hysteria and obsession does not a baby make.

Cycle #2: Return to sanity

So here we are to today. I am entering my TWW for the second time, with no real expectations. Am I hopeful? Of course. I would like nothing better than to start feeling the wonders of pregnancy, good or bad. But I know that I cannot be in charge of such things, only make the situation optimal for the possibility. Wish me luck!