Little things mean so much

Yes - we have what can be considered a smile!!! It was fleeting...didn't know I had it until I uploaded the picture to my computer. I must admit it melts my heart.

I caught another glimpse of the elusive smile today. When I mentioned it to Jay, he said he thought he had seen one, too.

Oh happy day!

Granted, the rest of the day wasn't all roses. Because Ian's had such a nasty time with gas and colic, I decided to take the plunge and try a new brand of bottle. Man, was he NOT happy! By the end of the bottle, I think he was used to it, but it was too late. Spewed all over my leg and the ottoman I was sitting on. Then about a half hour later, he again hurled all over himself, me and the Baby Bjorn I was attempting to put him in.

He has been good with the spewing until this point. I gave him the "Wayne's World" speech - "If you hurl, then I'll spew. If I spew, then you'll blow chunks..."

I thought he got it. I thought wrong.

Oh, but it's so fun to snuggle with him. He has definitely become quite the cuddler with me.

He's become, dare I say, a Mama's Boy? Not in the namby-pamby way, but that he'll react to me differently than he will to Jay. Ahh, once again - melts my heart.

He will be 2 months old on Monday. The time really does go quickly. Amazingly enough, I've found that even when he's screaming uncontrollably, I love every moment of having him in my arms. He's sleeping now. As much as my body is hoping that he will suddenly sleep through the night, my mind is jonesing for the moment I can cuddle with him again.

What if he never smiles...?

I always knew that motherhood was not going to be easy. It's because of that knowledge that I at times wondered if I should even be a mother. Did I have the strength, the endurance to be a good one?

I. Don't. Know.

I love him with every fiber of my being. I look at him, and my heart melts. But the last few weeks have been so hard. I have never felt more alone in my life. If I mention something to someone about how I'm feeling, I get the "Don't worry about it, everyone feels this way. It will get better."

When? When will it get better? He cries. A lot. He wakes up and cries. He eats and cries. He even cries in his sleep. I am thoroughly convinced he looks up and sees me and cries even harder because of it.

I feel so guilty. Guilty for having my body shut down and deprive him in utero. Guilty for being so sick those first couple weeks. So guilty for not being able to breastfeed. I keep wondering that if I had tried a little harder, insisted more with him and everyone else , that maybe things would be different. Yeah, some of this guilt may be irrational - I've essentially heard that from everyone, especially Jay.

"All babies go through this." "Just give it time."

What if he never smiles?

I hate myself right now. I hate cringing every time he cries and I can't help him calm down. I hate that I don't want to take pictures of him because I can never get him to sit by himself long enough without crying.

I hate that my husband thinks I am overreacting. I hate that he's sick of me crying. I hate that I am disappointing him by not being stronger and not letting things like this bother me.

And I hate that I am so jealous of all those women that do not have to go through this. They have perfect little babies who have no problems breastfeeding and are already smiling every time they look at someone. Ian is 7 weeks old, and spends most of his time eating, sleeping, and crying.

But I will go on. I have to, right? My son needs me. I need him to need me. So desperately do I need that right now.