So much...

I look back at my previous posts. So much has changed. Not that I don't believe that THAT me existed, because I do. I definitely do. Sometimes little bits of her show up at the oddest moment.

That's what I started to write 4 months ago. I don't know why I didn't continue. Maybe I was tired, and thought I'd get back to posting later. Maybe Ian needed me for something. Who knows. I do remember what I was feeling at that moment, though. I felt like I was finally coming into my own as a mother.

Up until that point, I felt like I was flailing around, taking a stab at motherhood. Was I doing it right? Was I completely screwing up? Have I totally maimed Ian's psyche forever? Am I what Freud was talking about when all things relate back to your relationship with your mother? And then there was the endless weeping I did on Jay's shoulder every night. The fact that we're still married is a testament to that man's love and devotion to me.

Somehow, by the end of summer, I didn't feel so scared anymore. Amazingly enough, it took a weekend at my parents' to help me see what I needed to do. Don't know why - maybe it was the reassurance that I didn't have to be so serious about every little thing Ian was or was not doing. Being able to just enjoy him for who he was allowed me to let go and just let instinct take over.

And after that, I could see all the wonderful things Ian was discovering and doing. Granted, I still think there are times when Ian hates me, but that probably has more to do with his stubborn streak starting to come out and not anything I'm doing.

So much has changed.